I am really sick and it sucks. My throat is extremely sore and it hurts to talk. It even hurt to drink water.......

How was everyone's christmas? Mine was awsome. I got a new guitar. It is a red, 50th aniversay strat. I love it. Everyone at the guitar center wants my guitar lol... I have to go in today and get my amp fixed. Something fell back into the input hole. O well. I guess I can play my acoustic a little longer.

I might get my own record lable for my birthday. That would rock. i have written alot of songs over the holiday.... they are prtty good. I can't sing tho.... BECAUSE I AM SICK AND IT SUCKS...

haha.. Well please keep comming and Happy New Years!

We had a band concert tonight! It was fun! We were so hot! All of our peices were great and I felt great playing. I love music so god damn much! hahaha. In three years I am trying out for Julliard. It is going to be really hard. I am going to practice 3 hours a day and do many other things. WOOOO!! I hope i can make it! Well Bye!

Jordan didn't get to go to the movies. This sucks. I didn't go either. i wanted to hang out with him. So i am teaching my cousin how to play guitar. It is fun now I have someone to play with. he is getting the cords down, he just needs help with strumming.

Anyway, I am OWNING in latin. Woooo. People who I used to ask help with are asking me now! ha. We are doing this really confusing chart thing with infinitives and bla bla......

Okay I have a problem..... I really like someone and I don't know what to do. I want to tell them just to tell them. Not to return the same message. Lol.... It is driving me crazy. I am just afraid. yes well all go through this crap but DAMN!!! He is an awsome guy. He likes art, and music, and photography. We are going to take the class next year together. He has a perfect smile.... haha ok... I will shut up.

My mom will be here tomorrow. She is driving from Florida. We have a tree and it is decorated already.... I CANT WAIT FOR COLLEGE! Its a few years away but I can't wait. I actually like school..... haha.. I am good friends with my science teacher and history teacher. They love teaching and it makes me like the class. I never really Loved science buty teacher is awsome....... I would rather have his class 3 times a day.

Well I am going to go think about my love lol.... No I am just listing to RadioHead....... Wicked Wunderland Issue 2 comming out soon. I am still working on it. Well please post comments thanks and bye!

I hate liking people!!!! I HATE IT!  It is driving me crazy!

Well I found the most bizzar thing today. In the store, becuase of the hurricaine, grapefruits are 14.99. FOR ONE! I took the price thing. Its funny as hell. That is so crazy.

Anyway, I hate liking people.... yes thats right I HATE IT....

What else is new: Starting a new art journal hopfully with someone else..... ha... ok well I HATE LIKING PEOPLE!!!!

Im Out.

School was fun today. I wore a skirt with crazy Wizard of Oz socks and people hated me. I enjoyed it. I was looking forward to History all day because we don't have to do anything. I sat with Jordan and he busted a pen and we made art. it was fun. Then these people came in to record oour class which, we did not want to be a part of so we sat in the back of the room. We talked about where we wanted to go and then he dropped the gloub. It was funny as hell. It bounced and the sub got mad. He let us all leave early for some reason. Oh well.

I'm failing Latin. To make a C on my report card I have to make A's on every other assignment. This is going to blow... I am going to work my ass ff in the third quarter..... Bla..

Can't wait for Friday. Going to the movies with Jordan! WoOT. We don't know what to see. Well l8r everyone.

I will write this weekend!   P.S FOR ALL OF YOU THAT KEEP ASKING!!! ALICE AND WONDERLAND PART TWO IS COMMING OUT IN TWO WEEKS!!!!! YEAH!!!!!

 Don't ask about the title. Today was normal I guess. I was supposed to go to the movies with my friend Jordan. He got into trouble and couldn't go because of it. We are planning on going next week. I like someone new now...... it keeps changing. I think that my decision is not going to change now. School is getting hard. I have pretty good grades in most of my classes but.... Latin is a different stroy.

Anyway, I don't know what movie to see. I am so tired right now. I need to sleep. I have been sitting here drawing for about three hours think about.... people. I HATE LIKING PEOPLE!!!!! So i must put my art down and rest.......

Weird thing of the day: There was this girl in the hallway. No one was around and she kept looking at the soda machince. She would scratch her head and when se did she would actually say "Scrath"  She was like. THERE ARE SO MANY DECISIONS! WHAT DO I NEED. This has happened two days in a row. It is just a little to normal for me lol.

Ok Well I have to go!

Hello! Yesterday the show was awsome. We were the 2nd to last to go in Act one. When we got on stage everone was cheering. They were like yah! I stared to play an intro I wrote and people didn't reconize the song, then I came in with the song. It was so fun. There were like 2000 people there. Collin, the singer took out his cell phone and waved it. People were laughing and i didn't know why. Then I looked over and saw his do it. Then everyone did it. It was cool. I didnt realize how many people were actually there because of the light. Then I looked up and wow...... At the end of the song I had a guitar solo thing and people were cheeing. I think the whole school knows me now. Tons of people came up to me that I didn't even know and they were like THAT WAS AWSOME. I am doing this again for sure next year. I will probabley do my own song, something with Colin, and something with the other Collin. It was amazing. So many people cheered. I loved it. I can't wait to be in a band that performs around. It will be so cool. OMG. I SOUND PREPPY RIGHT NOW! But for those of you who understand what its like to perform and be loved... lol you'll know im not being preppy! Well I will talk to everyone later

Hey everyone. Colin can not come to the performance on Friday for Putting On The Hits becuase he has to work at Pacsun. That sucks. He asked his other friend Collin if he would do and he was honored.

He can sing so amazing. He is also doing a single act. Singing and playing guitar. It was awsome. It was a love song and I loved it. I have some what an advantage becuase I am a musician so I can appreciate it more than some people.

So we practiced for a little bit. I barley know him but I think I like him alot more than the other Colin becasue he is amazing. At playing and singing. So we performed for practice today and it went super well. People came up to me when it was over and told me that it was perfect. I didn't know if my playing guitar was to loud or quite becuase I was on stage and it is a different view. I heard Collin singing loud because he was right next to me so I made it a little louder. I asked people about it and they thought it was perfect.

The show is going to be fun. I can't wait. I am actually Happy today and I have not been in a long time. I am kind of happy Colin had to work!  lol.

Well wish me good luck on everything this Friday..... I want to be famous so bad. Maybe not so much famous I just want to perform. Either Solo or with a band. Oh well eventually it will happen. I say three years. Well later everyone!

I LOVE YOU ALL! lol umm..... yes

I could have never been prepared for a life like this all those years ago. My heart fails to grasp the meaning of beauty. As I look around me, I see the criticizing looks of others because I am not one of them. Must I be beautiful to be accepted, to be loved, and to be seen? There's not a moment I live without wishing to be that beautiful. I want to be that one beautiful girl but not deceiving. *sigh*

Every time I see myself reflected in the mirror, I see nothing but an incomplete person that I've always been. A starving, broken soul that's constantly in pain and another enemy to torture me. Will you continue to love me like you say you do when you see what I am? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what do I hold? What do you see in me? I feel so cold and alone; more than ever with these passing hours. I'm lonely, and my mind, my body longs to feel you. This crushed heart is having so many doubts about this new-found love. My soul, my being loves you with every breath of life bestowed upon me.

I'll plead with all of my sanity to not let me go, to not let me escape from the grasp you have, but most of all, do not leave me for I would then wither to the nothing I've become inside. How can I feel so much pain even with you inside of me? I do not understand and probably never will. The journey I've taken, is one full of truth yet deception. I'm confused as to which one is different from the other.

One day I'll see the light of a new beginning. Maybe one day I will have a stunning beauty that abounds like no other. The dreams of obtaining such injustice burns more every day. Maybe my life, an immature rose, hasn't yet unfolded, or maybe I truly am that lost and dying, incarnate one you see behind this mask.

Breathe into me the life I know you hold. Erase all the insanity within me, capture every tear, caress every wound, fear, and lie with the hands and soul that has molded my own. My heart beats for your eternal being. Dive deeper into the recesses of this core with hope that one day my beauty will no longer be covered by those around me. Look into my eyes and tell me what you see.

I am listing to horrible music in-fo-mercials on tv right now. It is really bad. I need to sleep soon.

I had a picture of one of my friends but it would not let me put it in. I just finished watching

Enternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. It is a pretty good movie. I like the message that they are trying to get out. "You are going to love who you love." 

 

So.... I have nothing to say. I am stil really pissed about my friends. They hurt my feelings badly.  I want to go home!

My mom is pretty sad. She has not been able to spend one whole day with me yet and I am leaving in two days. I feel really bad because she has not seen me in 6 months. She crys alot because I think that her life is boring without me.

It is just that Florida makes me really sad. I was happy to come but now that I am here I do not really want to come back. it isn't like I do not want to see anyone... I thinks it is becuase what heppened with my friends. I am really worried becuase even though they are like 15-16 they have no clue about what they want to do in life. They have no idea. If anyone has read "Smack" I am afraid that they will end up like that. Homless, doing drugs and other things that I worry about.

OMG I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STUPID BUT I WANT TO DIE. I never feel like this. It is that bad.

I need to go home.  Seriously

 

Hey everyone. I am in Florida. I am having a crappy time. It all started on Wednesday. Scott, Jeremiah, Alex, My Cousin, My Aunt, and I went out to eat. We went to my moms boyfriends resturaunt and had food. It started off well and then everyone was acting up. Scott went away from me to sit with my cousin because Alex and Jeremiah were being stupid. They were funny but stupid. So... then my aunt drove us all to the movies. We went to see that SuperHero movie and we didn't really see the movie. We walked out and just walked around. My cousin and scott stayed in the movies. So we walked around and that was fun but then Alex started smoking... I never new that he did and I got really pissed off. I hate smoking. I do not hate people that do smoke it is just ...him.

Yesterday was the wrost day. Jeremiah, Alex, My cousin, and Jessica went to see another movie. First we went to the guitar center to hang out. Oh yeah... Jeremiah has a problem with stealing. My mom came up to him and wanted to talk to him. She said Jeremiah please do not steal anything around (me) because it will ruin my life. It could if I was with him and he were to be caught. I wouldn't be going back to MD. So after she left and we all went inside. Jeremiah and Alex were like "Were going to Staic (a store like Hot Topic) and we will be back" I knew what they were up to. It pissed me off. I said okay. So I waited outside for an hour. They didn't show up. I walked around to the movies (WHERE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN AN HOUR), food places, everything. We couldn't fid them.

This situation really hurt my feelings. It was supposed to be my last time to see MY FRIENDS before I went home and they basically ditched me. I did not want to see a movie with out them. I would feel really bad even if they ditched me. So Jesicca (who at this point I felt really bad because I have not seen her in a long time and I wanted to hang out. The whole night we were looking for my stupid friends.)  my cousin and I went to see a movie. We went to the the Grudge. (We didn't want to see it becuase the Japp. version is 40 times better.) So we didn't see the whole thing. I told her I needed to find the guys. We looked everywhere a number of times. I eventually left and went to Borders while my cousin and jessica were in the movie theater. I just sat there. I wanted to cry. I really wanted to see my friends. I am leaving tomorrow and I don't want to leave this way.

Last night I wanted to go home. I wanted to die. That is the way I felt. This situation might not seem a reason to do that but you were not there.

So... Jessica and my cousin came to look for me and just sat down at the table. They knew that I was hurt. Finally at 9:30 Jeremiah and Alex showed up. They were like we were looking for you everywhere. They looking f***ing high. I think that they went to do drugs and steal shit. I asked Jeremiah if he was smoking and he said no. Later on in the night he said they were smoking pot all night. So we went into Borders and we sat down by the music section. He started to steal a cd. I told him not to and I took it away from him and started to walk toward the front of the store. I bought it for him. It was only like 9$. Then he tryed to get another one. I started to yell at him and I took it away and walked toward the front of the store. He was like no dont buy it. BLA BLA BLA F***ING BLA.

I bought it for him. We went back into the music section and I just stared at him. I never cry..... I started to. He looked at me and looked like he was going to cry. I didn't know if this was real. I felt like I was in a dream the worst freaking dream of all time. I hated it. I didn't hate them.... Something my cousin and Jessica do not understand. They are my friends... I don't know why they are changing. Or have they always done this and I never realised it?

So he looked like he was going to cry. Alex got pissed off at me because I wanted to go to Jessica's house instead of his. He had been at my house for three days. The only reason Jeremiah was going to Alex's was becuase he thought that I was going. I didnt even end up going to Jessica's. Where we dropped her off I cryed and hugged her for the longest time. I told her that I was really sorry. I hate this. I should of forgot about the guys and spent time with her. So alex got pissed and I got really upset and Jeremiah took me outside and we sat on the side. I just hugged him. Alex eventually came out and was nice again. I cryed and hugged both of them. I never cry and since they saw me they promissed to stop doing drugs and stealing. I do not know if I can trust them. I guess I will have to wait.

Then I left. I think they FINALLY REALIZED how serious I was. I dont care I just want to go home. I need a real friend right now. The only one's that I have are stupid. Jessica isn't and I feel really bad about not really hanging out. Scott is not stupid but he is away right now. Things have happened between us that have ruined a chunk of our friendship. I can not wait to go to Marryland. Florida is one place that makes me sad. I do not want to come back. I am going to work extremley hard in school so I don't have to. Even tho there are people I miss... I can't controll my feelings....

Thanks for reading.

Hi. I don't feel very good today. I am still sore from track. I guess I am just in a bad mood.

I am starting to think about Colin and it seems like we are not friends anymore. I think that we still are it just doesn't appear that way. WTF I dont know whats going on.

I just did a project on Prometheus and Io and it was gay........ The story is cool but I dont know.

I JUST WANT TO GO TO FLORIDA!

MY MOM IS PISSING ME OFF. FREAKING OUT ABOUT ME IN SCHOOL!!! I am not doing bad. I have 2 C's, which for me I guess is bad but w/e I do not freaking care.

Well Im going to write some songs....

I am on the track team. It is really painfull. It has only been two days and I am really sore. I am doing Shot Put. That is fun. I am not very good at it though. It is because I have never done it before. Today I through a ten pound ball 21 yards and 9 inches. I am getting better! My cousin is doing sprinting and the coach is working them hard. I ran about 4 laps today but that isn't even the thing. It was the streching and ...... haha o well. I will be in really good shape.

Four days untill I go to Florida. I get to see Scott, Alex, and Jeremiah! Cool friends man. I have not seen them since July. 

One of the SGA (school senior/Putting On The Hits judge) told me that Collin and I did very well. They either want us or some other band to play before the intermission. Our show is December 3rd at 7:00. Not to far away. The New year is Comming!!! and so is Christmas.

Okay well I need to go and rest. I also have to do homework.......bleaa

See everyone later